Nicol Bolas vs Interplanar Revenue and Customs
by LaxusPlayer
Summary: The Big Bad of the MTG universe has faced and overcome many adversaries in his time, but nothing compares to the terrifying might of an army of office workers armed with clipboards and nothing better to do. Can The God Pharaoh of Amonkhet complete the necessary paperwork to rule existence, or will he be trapped in an endless cycle of reviews and court hearings?
1. Chapter 1

Nicol Bolas vs Interplanar Revenue and Customs

Submit your M25 form within two working weeks

 _A/N: So, I've been a MTG fan for many years and was thinking today about the one thing that could stop Magic's Big Bad. Some ideas were more legit than others, but when this one hit me I just had to share it…_

As the sun lowered on yet another glorious day, Amonket's Second Sun gazed proudly over the fruits of his labour. Within only a few short weeks he had turned the previously desolated landscape into what was effectively a factory for his eternals. All he had to do now was oversee the mass production of his army then progress his plan to the next stage.

" _You know…_ " Bolas thought, a wide smile cracking across his face, " _sometimes I forget the boundlessness of my intellect._ "

Taking a well-deserved seat on a throne crafted from a destroyed pyramid, the only thing on the Elder Dragon's mind was whether to use his sheepskin bed or his whale carcass to sleep on that night.

"Hello is this Nicole?"

Bolas almost jumped off his throne. " **WHO DARES SPEAK TO ME IN SUCH A…** "

"Nicole? Is this Nicole speaking right now?"

Flying off the broken pyramid with great haste, the God Pharaoh scanned the area for any signs of a challenger. He wasn't worried about being hurt; not many creatures alive were capable of that, but he was curious as to who would have to gall to be so disrespectful.

"Mrs Bolas you will have to speak up, I cannot hear you."

The dragon blinked. "Mrs?"

"Ahh yes I can hear you now Mrs Bolas. How are you today?"

"I…am doing well…How are you?" With his sight failing him, Bolas turned to magic. Sending pulse after pulse throughout the planet, the only sign of foreign magic detected was a very weak mental connection coming from…

"I am good thank, you. Mrs Bolas, I am calling you today from the Interplanar Revenue and Customs. Do you know the reason for this call?"

"…Interplanar Revenue and…what?"

"Interplanar Revenue and Customs." The voice clarified. "We…apologies, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Jared, but you may call me Jared for short. Would you prefer me to call you Mrs Bolas or Nicole?"

At this point Bolas was beyond speechless. Throughout millennia of conflict and scheming he had always had some inkling as to what was going on with events around him. Armies from the north; planeswalkers from the south; dragons from the skies. Anything and everything had an order and a vulnerability. Except for Jared. "I…I have…"

"Mrs Bolas I am afraid I do not have all day." The voice told him with enough irritation to snap the dragon out of his stupor. "Now…the reason for this call is…"

"Lord Bolas."

"I'm sorry?"

"That's Lord Bolas to you, meagre conjurer." The dragon snarled. "I suppose you think yourself with this little trick?"

Jared coughed. "Apologies, you seem to have lost me." There was a noise that sounded like paper being rearranged. "Are you referring to your activities on Tarkir?"

Bolas' eyes widened. "How would…Ugin." His face darkened. "That withered snake. I suppose he somehow put you up to this?"

"Yes, Mr Ugin mentioned your activities in Tarkir during his call."

" _Perhaps I can bend this underling to my advantage…_ " Bolas took his turn at clearing his throat. "Indeed, it was a well fought battle, but as always I emerged the victor. Now tell me Jared, what do you desire?"

There was another brief pause consisting of more shuffling papers before the voice spoke again. "We…have no record of a 'battle' as you call it but we shall note it down. No Mrs Bolas, we are here today to talk to you about your travel expenses."

The Elder Dragon blinked. "Travel expenses?"

"As the department of Interplanar Revenue and Customs is relatively new within the planes we accept that there have been problems with our audits, which is the reason for my calling you today. I assume you did not get your invoice in the post?"

"…Invoice in the post?"

"Yes, we sent the invoice two weeks ago to your home in…Grixis. Now, as I was saying…"

"Grixis?!" The Forever Serpent snorted. "I haven't ventured there in decades! And what address would even be there; the plane is dead!"

"Now Mrs Bolas, I understand that nobody likes a call from…"

" **Lord** Bolas!" Bolas roared, infuriated by the man's apparent lack of competence. "You will refer to me by my proper title or I shall annihilate you."

The voice fell silent for an instant. "…Your first name is Nicole, correct?"

" **NICOL! I AM THE GLORIOUS NICOL BOLAS! RAVAGER OF WORLDS, CONQUEROR OF PLANES AND…** "

"Is that spelled without an 'e' then?"

For the first time in centuries, the dragon threw his face into his claw. " **I WILL…** yes, yes there is no 'e' at the end."

There was a brief scribbling of notes. "Apologies, I will amend that for next time. Now, LORD Bolas," the dragon did not care for the patronising tone used to speak his title, "do you know the rate of Zinos per planar jump?"

" _Finally, a clue!_ " "I…am afraid I do not know the currency of Ravnica well." Bolas lied, his previously tense shoulders relaxing slightly. "Would I be able to come to your office, so you may detail it in person?"

"I'm afraid I am not able to give you our address, though even if I were able to it would do you no good." Jared explained. "As you planeswalked to and from Tarkir, the excursion would have to be paid at their office with their exchange rate."

"Tarkir?!" The dragon scoffed. "The only currency they have is blood! Most of the planet is overrun by inferior snakes and worms with their miserable wings!"

"Now sir," the voice said sternly, "We do not tolerate planar discrimination. Should you use such offensive language again I will be forced to take further action."

At this point Bolas' mouth literally fell open in awe. "F-Further action?! **Further action?! I am the God Pharaoh! I have slaughtered realms and bathed in their blood! My minions are so numerous they outnumber the stars in any sky! What further actions could…** "

"Minions? Lord Bolas, are you suggesting that you own a private business? Because if so I would need to ask you about your pension-…GAHHHHHH!"

Bolas had had enough chatter. In an unusual display of frustration, the dragon lashed out with a wave of blue energy that apparently was enough to damage the voice's commander on the other end. " _With no corporeal form here, the imbecile must have been projecting his thoughts. Though it is unheard of for such a fool to have enough mastery to send messages across planes. Perhaps another force is at work…_ "

"Mrs Bolas?" A female voice suddenly called out. "Are you there?"

The God Pharaoh gawked at the origin of the sound. " **WHO WOULD DARE TO…?!** "

"Hello Mrs Bolas, I hope you are well. My name is Denise, but you may refer to me as Jared. Now, I am calling you on behalf of my…"

" **HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE TO…** " The dragon spewed fire from his mouth, so enraged that he could not even articulate his feelings. Far below on the floor of Amonkhet, the squad leaders of his eternals hurried to get their troops out of the wrath of their master.

"…as he has fallen suddenly ill. Now, I must inform you to complete your M25 and submit it to the Tarkir office within two working weeks."

Bolas was gasping in air to try and calm himself down. "Now look here Jar-…but your name is Denise?! **WHY ARE YOU CALLED…** never mind. I…I have none of those forms."

Somehow, he could feel her disapproval. "Since you have obviously misplaced them, I shall remind you that in the letter we sent it mentioned a scribe that can re-print these forms."

" **IF I HAVE LOST THE FORMS THEN HOW WOULD I BE ABLE TO…WHY AM I HUMOURING THIS?! BE GONE INSECT!** " He unleased a far greater wave of energy this time, which not only silenced the voice but also removed the tops off a few of the surrounding mountains. " _Never before in my existence have I experienced such…_ "

"Mrs Bolas are you there?"

There were no words to describe the cocktail of confusion and rage that was Nicol Bolas at that moment. "I…yes, I am."

"Hello Mrs Bolas, this is Charlotte calling from Interplanar Revenue and Customs, though you may call me Jared. I am here to continue…"

For the first time in his entire existence, the Second Sun felt like a fire elemental. As the new voice droned on about travel taxes, all he could think of was that whoever was responsible for this harassment would die the most excruciating death in recorded history. Of all planes.

"…so, a failure to submit this form would result in a fixed term penalty notice, then failure to pay that would result in further action. Do you understand?"

"Oh, indeed I understand Jared. I understand fine and well. Tell me, would you prefer for me to incinerate your children or would you like to eat them yourself?"

Jared cleared her throat. "I do not appreciate that tone Mrs Bolas, please do not use it again. Now, it says here that you mentioned that you are a small business owner, correct?"

The dragon's magic aura became so dense that his throne began to buckle under the pressure. "I…that is one way of putting it."

"And have you filled out the small business documentation as listed in your letters?"

The throne shattered, but strangely all Bolas felt was calm. "I have not."

"I see…" The shuffling of papers was heard throughout the land. "Well if you require help with that procedure, please feel free to come by our Tarkir branch at any time. We are located…"

"Oh there is no need to tell me," Bolas cracked his bones and allowed his magic to pulsate from him, "I will find you."

"Excellent!" Jared on the other side seemed pleased. "I'm happy that you are so motivated! When should we expect you?"

"Sooner than you think." Bolas cackled before shooting a final burst of energy to silence her. " **SOONER THAN YOU ALL WOULD THINK! AHAHAHAHAHA!** "

The manic laughter echoed throughout the desolate plane for a mere three seconds before it was interrupted a final time. "Hello Mrs Bolas, this is…"

"Hello again Jared!" Bolas yelled. "Not to worry my dear, I'll be right over to speak to you!"

And thus began the greatest battle of Nicol Bolas' career.

 _A/N: I'll be updating this as more ideas come to me, but tell me what you think. Its been a while since I've written something so any feedback would be appreciated. Hope you all enjoyed!_


	2. Chapter 2

Tarkir Troubleshooting

 _A/N: So here goes the second chapter of Bolas' epic saga._

"This is…interesting…" Bolas mused, scanning the sight before him with reserved disdain.

As confirmed from his previous visit, Tarkir was a plane well known for its vast deserts of salt, planes of death and mountains of dragons, yet before him none of these were to be seen. On the contrary, before him was an incredibly out of place brick building, whose outlandishness was only matched in magnitude by the length of the queue coming from it.

" _Luckily I do not intend to wait._ " The Dragon God smirked and stretched out his wings. " **ALL OF YOU BEFORE ME SHALL SCATTER OR BE DESTROYED!** "

The sound of his voice echoed throughout the plane and was felt in every creature's soul…yet none of the people in the queue budged.

"Ahem." Bolas cleared his throat, chalking that occurrence down to a miracle. " **LEAVE OR…"**

"Can you not?!" The God Pharaoh blinked then looked down to find the source of the voice; an angry jeskai woman. "I've got a pounding headache and your SHOUTING is not helping."

The dragon was flabbergasted. "You…understand who I am?"

"I understand you're going to get the backside of my hand if you continue."

" **I WILL NOT BE SUBJECT TO SUCH INSOLANCE!** " Bolas roared and stood up to his full height. " **WHAT WOULD A BEING AS MEAGRE AS YOURSELF KNOW OF THE VALUE OF MY TIME?!** "

"OH, YOU WANNA KNOW ABOUT TIME?! TRY HAVING FOUR KIDS BELOW THE AGE OF 5 AND A HUSBAND WHO CAN'T EVEN BE ARSED TO TRAVEL TWO MILES TO SORT THEIR CUSTOMS OUT! YEAH TELL ME WHAT YOU GOT ON THAT!"

Before the dragon could even speak another person turned to interrupt. "Jeez both of you be quiet! You're not making the queue go any quicker."

" **STAY OUT OF THIS!** " The duo shouted then returned to glaring at one another.

"Well like it or not, as I'm in this queue I'm part of this disagreement too. Unless of course you wish to take it elsewhere…"

Bolas scoffed. "I do not take orders from peasants. You will lea-…"

"Yeah get lost dragon!" Came another voice, and Bolas looked up to see a small crowd gathering from previous queue members. "So, you can talk, so what?! You're just another dumb dragon, though you look a bit too runty to be an Atarka. One of Kologhan's brood?"

"Kolo-… **NO, I AM AN ELDER DRAGON! NOT ONE OF THESE INFERIOR STOCK OF MY LESSER BROTHER! CAN YOU NOT TELL BY MY MAJESTY?!** " He extended his wings once more and gestured to the crowd to look at his splendor.

They were less than impressed. "Old Dragon or not you wait in line like the rest-…"

" _Thank you for waiting so patiently._ " A magically enhanced voice spoke, reverberating against the nearby hills and silencing the crowd. " _We can only apologise for the inconvenience, but due to technical difficulties within the building we shall be closed until next Monday. Again, thank you for your patience and…_ "

" **TO HELLS WITH THIS!** " Bolas roared and stormed forward, remembering that he was indeed the most powerful being in the plane and neigh the multiverse. This time the crowd moved around his steps, themselves remembering that their lives were not worth losing over a queue cutter. " **YOU WILL OPEN YOUR GATES AND…** "

"… _FULFILL MY WISHES!_ " A familiar voice finished.

Once again, the God Pharaoh was stunned into silence. Using a magic pulse and his heightened eyesight, he searched the area for its source and was rewarded in finding… "Ugin?! But you are…?!"

"Yes, yes, alive and well." The second Elder Dragon pouted, revealing himself from the other side of the building. "Had this day been any other I'd have bound you like the impudent worm you are, but it appears we have more pressing matters."

"A-Agreed…" Bolas eyes narrowed, setting aside the thoughts of his brother's resurrection for another day. "I take it you have been summoned by these miscreants as well?"

Ugin nodded. "I was having a rather relaxing sleep before their summons assaulted me. I would very much like to resume that slumber as soon as possible since _SOMEONE_ damaged me greatly."

The Dragon God smirked. "Glad to hear my mark still haunts you, but I must digress. Normally I would assume you would be the only one who would dare to challenge me, but that disgusted expression on your hideous face says otherwise."

"Let me remind you that we are twins, so insulting me only insults yourself." The Spirit Dragon huffed. "Now listen closely little brother. Unlike you I hoard a great deal of knowledge, yet neither I nor my spawn here have heard of this establishment. Furthermore, this building has seemed to simply appear within the past day or so, suggesting…"

" _I repeat, could you please leave and reconvene at a late-…_ "

" _ **SILENCE YOU FOOL!**_ " The brothers roared in unison.

Ugin sighed. "Look, rivalries and atrocities aside, I do not believe that we can destroy this with our individual brute forces."

Bolas blinked. "You suggest a partnership?! With me?!" He cackled. "My my brother how death has changed you! And why should I help you?"

" _If you do not leave now your forms will be labelled invalid and claims will have to be resent._ "

"…Perhaps this one time." The Second Sun grumbled. "What did you have in mind?"

The colourless mage pondered the situation for a moment then knocked lightly on the building. "You mentioned you were having difficulties. Between myself and my brother I believe we have enough magic to fix or destroy this entire plane. Let us help you and in turn you can help us."

"… _Company protocol dictates that a technician must be ordered via…_ "

" **TO HELL WITH YOUR TECHNICIANS; BRING US THE PROBLEM OR WE SHALL BECOME ONE!** "

There was a quiet scuffling heard from inside the main gate before a small Kor emerged clutching a piece of strange mechanical headgear. "Good afternoon sirs, my name is Jared. Thank you for assisting us today and thank you again for your patience. The problem we are suffering is a faulty wire from my headset meaning that I cannot contact the upper floors."

" **YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU SHUT THE ENTIRE BUILDING BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T CALL YOUR DAMNED BOSS?!** " Bolas boomed, the ground cracking around his feet. " **NOW LISTEN YOU MORONIC FU-…** "

"Have you tried turning it off and on again?" Ugin chimed in and his brother gawked at him.

"Really?! Great Dragon of knowledge and that's the best you can do?! Even for you this is…"

The headset crackled back to life. "Thank you, it now seems to be working."

"Excellent!" Ugin beamed, making sure to wink at his brother to further infuriate him. "Now, if you would be so kind as to…"

"The second problem is that our emotional support bear fell ill..."

The Spirit Dragon blinked. "I know a few healing and restorations spells."

"…after eating detergent from under the break room sink." The Kor finished. "She has stopped moving and seems to be foaming from the mouth."

"Ah." Ugin turned to Bolas. "I believe necromancy is your specialty."

"Emotional support…bear?" Bolas asked. "I…I shall leave the thousands of questions that statement conjured and cut to the chase; bring me the bear."

The Kor nodded and went back inside. After another short wait, in which the two brothers tapped their feet, checked the sun's position in the sky and did their best to not start another plane shattering duel, the Kor reemerged with two large orcs who were carrying the corpse. "She is the manager's favorite so please be gentle."

Sighing heavily, Bolas extended a hand and uttered the magic words; "Hair of bear, grain of sand; return this idiot back to this land." The foam around the bear's mouth dropped to the ground and the reanimated corpse stood up. "There, good as new. Now these damned forms…"

"Why are her eyes glowing red?"

"…She is tired." Ugin tactfully answered. "Now as my brother was saying, our forms?"

The Kor looked up at the impatiently waiting duo. "Which forms do you have?"

"M25."

"Form 01110101 01100111 01101001 01101110 00001101 00001010."

Bolas blinked. "I'm surprised you managed to speak that in one breath."

"Believe me, I had plenty of time in that queue to practice." Ugin's shoulders sagged. "Now will you be helpful to us and either file or destroy these blasted bits of parchment?"

The Kor nodded. "Well sir with you I can see to your form myself and you should be done within the hour." Bolas chuckled at the thought of his brother sitting through another hour of this hell. "However, for you Mrs Bolas you shall have to wait a little while for my manager."

Ugin roared with laughter. "And suddenly this process has been worth the wait. Will _sister_ I shall be seeing you…"

" **IN HELL WITH THE REST OF THIS DAMNED ORGANISATION!** " Bolas' fist slammed against the ground, causing shockwaves throughout the land. " **YOU WILL TAKE ME TO YOUR MANAGER AND THEY WILL SEE TO IT THAT I AM FULLY COMPENSATED FOR YOUR CLEAR LACK OF COMMON SENSE!** "

Silence hit the plane for an instance before the reply came. "The manager is currently on a different plane..."

" **GIVE ME A LOCATION AND I SHALL…** "

"…But I can request her to come here by the end of the day."

Bolas stopped mid roar. "She…will come here?"

"A planeswalker…" Ugin mused. "Interesting, but none of my concern. You can summon her once you are inside and after I have completed these…forms. Enjoy this adventure brother; hopefully it has a most unsatisfying ending." And with that the Spirit dragon scooped the Kor into his hand and forced him back into the building to complete his work.

"Planeswalker _…_ " Bolas mused, thinking of the countless planeswalkers he had come across through his travels. "…Perhaps this isn't a waste of time after all. Come to me little fledgling; allow me to clip your wings."

 _A/N: War of the Spark has been amazing for inspiration so hopefully I shall be able to continue annoying Bolas on a more frequent basis._


End file.
